Look at yourself now: Understand who you’ve become.

Imagine the future: Plan who you want to be.

They say our most powerful tool is imagination.

It's these forces, the conditions that we are expected to live under that confuse me.

It's the instability of a well thought-out life plan that makes my life so fragile in structure.

I've tried it all; I've tried waking up at the same time every day, following a list of tasks that are meant to be done, meant to be taken care of in a constrained time span. I've tried waking up whenever my body tells me it's time. I've tried losing touch with everyone around me, living in my own reality. Nothing seems to work.

Nothing makes me motivated enough to reach my goal.

I've tried, I've tried and I'm tired.

At the end of the day, when I feel that sensation in my heart,

I know my life has purpose, and I'd be damned if I didn't try harder.

We have all these criteria in our minds, these lists of specifications for people's personalities, behavior, their choice of friends, their choice in clothing and style, the kind of books they read, the kind of music they listen to, the dialect or accent they have, and how big/small their breasts/muscles are, what color their eyes are, how good of a kisser they are, and many other things.

We use these requirements to "protect" ourselves: we meet someone new, we talk to them for a few minutes and if they score well on our list then we keep interacting with them, otherwise – they're out of the picture.

If you think about it, all we're doing is restricting ourselves from meeting new and interesting people. Someone who you would be able to connect to in ways you would have never thought of. If only we took the time to get to know every person we meet...

From the point that you meet someone–the first contact–until the moment you truly know who that person is, what their past is and how those certain experiences they've had in their past affected them, for them to become who they are now, exists nothing but uncertainty–could they be someone you could really connect to? Emotionally, spiritually, sexually?

"Scientists study the world as it is, engineers create the world that never has been. " Theodore von Karman. As a first year Computer Science student at U of T, that quote symbolizes why I want to become an engineer. I have the passion to go further than a scientist would. Evidently, in order to achieve such goals and be able to create anything that's not a derivation of others' work, one would have to be able overcome any obstacles and problems that come in their way. Which is where my first skill comes in handy: Problem Solving.
In order to depict my problem solving abilities, I would like to reference my experience with microprocessors. Using ColdFusion in middle-school (Iran), I was able to make a robot, which was also collaboratively made by my teammates, follow a white line and reach a finish line. During the programming of the chip I came across many issues, from finding out how strong the voltage was from the sensors for different colors to simpler issues such as what direction the robot was to go when white line was detected at sensor #x, x being a known installed sensor. Nonetheless, with the help of my teammates I was able to over come all those problems and create a functional robot. Which brings us to another notable skill: Team work, as most brilliant projects were throughout and designed collaboratively.
I have worked in many group projects. I've worked both as a member and as a leader of groups that were involved in programming and software design. Recently, I enjoyed working with two fellow students in a class I took (CSC207H1, U of T) and we managed to finish the project on time and as expected. Whether a leader or a member, one would have to be on top of what they are assigned to in order to keep the project at its expected pace. To point out another collaborative and in-progress project, I'm working on a game called "Jabberwocky Scindo" for TOJam (http://tojam.ca) as a Music Floater and Particle Designer under a very good leadership.
I hope my skills are sufficient for me to become an engineer.

Life is like a song (J. R. R. Tolkien's perception), there are sad songs and there are happy songs. Good and Bad. Evil and Kind. Low notes and high notes.

As individuals, we are meant to be positive energy, or negative energy–to the society. Follow the rules, or break them constantly. Be consistent, or be inconsistent. Follow our humanistic ambitions, or live a habitual life. So on, so forth.

I was running. I had been running for 20 minutes straight. It was 2 degrees Celsius in down-town Toronto and I was wearing shorts and a T-shirt.

There's a story about a scorpion and a frog, where the scorpion asks the frog to help him cross a river. The scorpion promises the frog that he will not sting him because if so, they'll both drown. The frog agrees to do it; nonetheless, the scorpion stings the frog on the way. The frog asks why he did so, before they both drowned to their deaths and he responds "I'm a scorpion; it's my nature".

Everyone gets in their own way. It seems to be our nature to become self-destructive after something hurts us deep down inside. Some people are self-destructive by default because of the emotional black holes in their chests. Some for other reasons.

Some people turn to drugs, alcohol, razors and needles.

This was my therapy. It wasn't something I came up with, it was something that came to me. Like drugs appeal to you when you first take them, or when that first buzz you get from drinking alcohol gives you that comforting state of relaxation.

I ran and ran until I reached the lake shore. The darkness of the night made it seem comforting, as if the nature–the world–wanted me to calm down. Even though, it was raining and the water wasn't as calm as I'd remembered.

"Runaway" by "Linkin Park" came on my iPhone. I wondered for a second about why I still listened to their songs until the first words came out of Chester Bennington's mouth.

The obnoxious words of a teenager who can't find his/her place in the world: "I wanna run away, never say goodbye."

Rage bottled up within me. It is rage, not sadness nor sorrow that I'm deeply scared of.

It is rage that consumes the beauties in the world. The peace, the calm, it is all taken over by rage–violence. My mind is far too advanced (or I'm too much of a coward) to give in to my violent nature. We are meant to hurt–to hate then to hurt: "Baby I'm a man, I'm born to hate."

The water looked inviting; a part of me wanted to go for a swim and never come back. Instead, I screamed. The shriek of my voice echoed in my head. Shout. Scream. Cry. Repeat.

My inability to deal with my emotions wasn't something new. I have mastered feeling; I am compassionate towards everyone around me – people I know, people I like and even people I don't enjoy being around. But the connections I make along the way, there's always an ending point to them. There's always a cliff that they're going to jump down from. "Everybody leaves".

"Never Let This Go" by "Paramore" came on my iPhone.

It's inevitable, there's always an ending to a friendship–to a relationship; the only thing we have control over is the profundity of the duration in which we know the other person–your partner, your friend, your best friend. The idea of "forever"–however comforting–can only exist as an illusion. A beautifully designed illustration in your imagination.

I contemplated throwing my iPhone away. But no, I was responsible. I am responsible for what I do in my life–with my life.

Not because we are meant to live and let live, but because I didn't want to hurt my family–my friends. Material is important to them.

I walked away from the shore and I started running. The only thing that bothered me then was how I could possibly get back to my room and freshen up without anyone noticing.

The depth of my friendships matter to me; if someone's superficial, I can't be anything but an acquaintance to them.

In order to make deeper connections with people, you have to be stable enough to become acquaintances first; because if everybody leaves then you have to make sure that your so-called-friends are worth the time and in order to figure that out, you need to interact with them.

No one wants to become acquaintances with someone who can't hold themselves together over simple matters such as a break-up.

Unless they're as fucked up as you are.

Luckily, no one was in the lobby. I made it to my room, showered and freshened up.

When you tell someone how you feel, they feel obligated to help you out. To comfort you if they can. It's whether that, or they ignore you because they don't care enough. W. knew what I was going through. He knew every little bit of the story. So I went to him.

He was hanging out with a few friends of ours.

It is ridiculous how the way you feel about everything can change by such small factors: She text-ed me again.

It had all started from her text-ing me. It had nothing to do with what she text-ed me–what the content of the texts were. It was all due to the concept of the connection still being there. She was back in my life, and it was too soon. I wasn't ready. I'm not ready.

Even though some of us don't want to admit it, we are all power hungry. I wanted–nay, needed–to have power over that connection.

One of the things I never mastered was having control of my facial expression or rather any bodily function that reacted due to the emotions I was feeling: I started crying while trying to fix a friend's computer.

I stood up and walked away. W. followed me, I wasn't surprised–he knew what I was going through, even though he had never gone through it himself.

One of things you learn after being in a romantic relationship is that you can't afford to be needy, it's not healthy.

"I'll be fine" is one of the phrases I tell people all the time. Because it's the truth–I will always be fine:

"You okay man?"

"I'll be fine, I just need to sleep."

"Are you sure you'll be fine?"

"Yeah. I just need to sleep."

I couldn't afford to be needy. There's a reason they're called "your problems" not "our problems."

I went to my room and started reading "The Game". It was a book I had promised myself to never read, but I had already broken many other promises to myself. I didn't see why I couldn't break another one.

The content didn't matter. Because "nothing registered".

J. text-ed me, he was wondering if I was mad at him.

Friendships are fragile; maybe stronger than relationships, but fragile nonetheless. If you get mad at someone who you've just started to connect with, share experiences with–it's not worth it. They're not worth your time.

At the end of the day, a single gesture that shows that you're concerned is enough for people to know that you at least have some compassion:

I text-ed him back, I told him that she was text-ing me and I was messed up about it.

"If you wanna talk, I'm here.", he text-ed me back.

Sleep.

People care. There's always someone who cares about you, even if you barely know them.

If you live life as if no one cared, darkness would be your only comfort and death would be a better gift than it is.

It would compel you to finish it all.

There's always something/someone that is enough for one to stay and give everything another shot.

But some things are just over and sometimes, you go to sleep wishing they were over.

Nima Halfmoon © 2010

It's extremely hard to defend a relationship  without having a powerful argument about the series of experiences you have shared in order to ultimately build an empathetic connection.

It is in the beauty of our nature in which I find fascination in.

But what happens when you start broadning your taste, you start reading new things, meet different kinds of people, listen to different kinds of music, get out of your comfort zone?

This comfort zone, let's call it our bubble, can be expanded.
How much? Theoretically, to an inifnite extend in which our mind, as we assume so, is capable of. But what happens to our sanity? Who will we become after having broader and greater "bubbles", interacting with different aspects of humanity every day? Is there comfort in such life-style?

North American culture suggests that a smaller comfort-zone is bound to make the society more stable. One can see perfectly stable teenagers in high-schools with routines and habits far beyond my own level of comfort; teenagers who, as history and biological facts suggest, should not be stable by nature. But the question is: is that sanity?

Think about it.

(P.S I remember having the same conversation with Jesse C-S on grad-trip. Who says grad-trip was such a superficial experience? Haha)

Every moment causes change. Change brings about more change.

'Tis the moments of your past that haunt you down, the fortunate or unfortunate events of one's earlier life–however long ago it might have been.

The moments that change you. Who you are, who you will become.

The unavoidablity of this phenomena aside, it is simply one of the most important things for one to understand.

To get comfortable with. To let change happen once in a while.

As a member of the society in the 21st century, we are bound to find a comfort zone in which we wouldn't want to get out of;

the real key to my sanity, is being able to see outside of that bubble of comfort. Yet, enjoying my current–but soon to be different, whether more joyous or less–state.

It's this thought, this old feeling. The fuzzy flavored taste of one's lips against yours that can drive you insane.

It's that insanity, that I miss. It's that, that's making me go insane.

But alas, it seems so far away. Maybe unreachable, but yet so desirous that would make you insane.

It's these irrelevant, redundant, and useless, yet so true words, that I don't miss. It's these that have made me insane.

It's every aspect of that stability–if I may call it that–that perplexes my mind. It's those, that make want to let go and become insane.

It's these moments, that makes me want to be insane.

Note: insanity doesn't have to be a bad thing.

The rest of the cabin is filled with men and women with headphones in their ears neglecting the existance of the other passengers.

"I wake up! It's a bad dream, no one on my side. I was fighting but I just feel too tired to be fighting, guess I'm not the fighting kind...." - 'Keane - A Bad Dream'

There is a reason I dislike downtown. Because everytime I sit alone looking around I see people....in pain.
There are people who couldn't careless. There are people who are selfish. There are people who spend their lives helping people so they'd be able to sleep at night.
I on the other hand...have yet to find my remedy.
I too, have issues sleeping at night.
All the best.
-- From my iPhone; Nima

If there is one thing that saves a relationship, it is good communication. While your partner would give you the world if you asked for it, they won't know that you want it if you do not tell them. Understanding this is key to developing a healthy mindset towards communication in a relationship.

That being said, however, there is a degree of connection that can be achieved with your partner that would make anyone think you can read each others' minds - but even that requires work, trust, communication and balance to achieve.

Sometimes you can get so caught up in each other that the basics of nurturing a successful relationship can be forgotten and usually this is a welcomed feeling: as your whole world, all your problems and concerns just disappear while you are with your significant other. However, while this can be a really great feeling it can cause you to forget that a successful relationship requires much more than you're giving it.

If only one story in the two-part series is revealed, then something is wrong and the relationship will start developing problems as you are losing the balance that is so critical to a healthy, successful relationship. Your life, your friends - your story should not be as important to you as learning about your partner's.

As most of us would feel (even just a little bit) uncomfortable forcing our lives on others, this is one time where you should be working together to learn about each other and connect in ways not possible with other people - after all, you love each other right? It should be natural for you to want to know every little thing about your very special half, so you can be there for them and - truly - understand the situation whenever they need you.

Still, this is often easier said than done and such a connection is rarely made without work. Yes, there are some people who are truly compatible with each other and things just fall together, but generally this is not the case.

That being said, if things are not going how you think they should be going: talk about it. If you are spending too much time living their life that you're starting to forget your own (which happens a lot more than you think), point it out and I am sure your partner will enthusiastically jump at the opportunity to get to know more about you.

Communication is key to nurturing any relationship. Understanding that we are all human, even more so. Sometimes we say things in the spur of the moment that we do not necessarily mean - or we do, but it came out different from how we wanted to say it. Either way, though, it is a human quality and you should not hold it against them (unless they do it a lot…), even if they did not mean it: it was said and there is little to nothing they can do to take it back.

It is times like these that make you wonder who you are, where you are and what you are feeling and it can be difficult, very difficult. But as with any obstacle you meet, you have someone in your life you can depend on - even if you are not happy with them right now, I am sure they will give you many more happy memories for you to cherish together that make it more than worthwhile to give them a chance to correct their mistake.

For now, though, give them the benefit of the doubt and a chance to make up for their outburst in the spur of the moment and then make sure to talk to them about how you feel and things should work out just fine.

As much as they would like to be able to read your mind, it is just not possible (yet?). Open communication in a relationship is a refreshing thing. For both you and them.

It is commonly said that a perfect relationship is an unhealthy one and, generally, I would be inclined to agree. While a perfect relationship can be a rare and refreshing thing, it does not take long for it to get boring, old and stale. Though it seems counter-intuitive: in order to have a healthy relationship, arguments and disagreements need to take place multiple times throughout the lifetime of a relationship.

Whether or not a relationship is perfect or flawless should not be of any concern to anyone, as it is not an effective or accurate means of measuring how successful a relationship is. Sure, on the outside it would seem to everyone else - and, possibly, to yourself, for a bit - that your relationship with someone is perfect and something they would like to strive for. But what truly matters is the nature of the relationship, its very core - not how great the relationship looks but how healthy and balanced it actually *is*.

So when you find yourself faced with a bump in the road in your relationship with someone dear to you, take a deep breath and meet the challenge with a renewed strength knowing that you are not alone. Your partner is meeting the same challenge and is right there with you, even if it may not seem like it at the time. Be grateful that you have conflict in your relationship as the make up process will bring you that much closer to each other.

The strength of a relationship is solely determined by how the persons involved handle obstacles they find along their journey, not by how uneventful (i.e. seemingly perfect) the ride is.

So close your eyes, take a deep breath and remember all the good things that have happened in your journey together as there is plenty more to come if you make it through the storm.

Remember how you have been there, giving a hand to each other whenever it was needed. This is not largely different, though it may seem otherwise. It may concern you and what happened between you two, but as with any other problem, it can be met and conquered, together - as really, everyone knows that nothing can stand between you two.

O.

A circle.

The symbol of eternity.

Feeling like raging, and ranting like always, so this should be fun, I mean if you like that kind of stuff.

Shortest entry from Maggie you will ever see.

With love.

Language is fun.

-- Post From My iPhone

It's at night
When I look for my phone
For a way,
To contact you.
To let you, your fascinating soul,
Know that I love you.

It's every moment,
Of your presence.
Your wicked inner beauty
That drives my mind into madness.
Into a state,
Where I feel a fuzzy feeling..
That tells me how much I want you.

A fuzzy feeling,
That tells me how much I love you.

-- Post From My iPhone

I wish. I wonder, I wait.
For a glimpse,
Of thy eye.
For a passionate thought,
From your mind.
For you,
To be near me again.

I wish. I wonder. I wait.

-- Post From My iPhone

I'm lost in the forest of my concrete thoughts and by every tree I cut, in order to find the perfect answer, I'm killing myself inside.

I need to get up and find my new path, as my life's getting out of hand..

I am the mysterious kind, but I'm predictable so I don't need anyone's insight–less or more profound–to realize what I've become; but I appreciate them.

Love has become a beautiful aspect of my life and I'm failing to organize it, as I've always imagined myself doing so...

I'm ranting on my blog like every other teenager....

what does that,
what does this,

what will this....

make me think about myself?

It makes them write these random and yet, profound words into the WYSIWYG.

I refuse to believe. I decline your thoughts. You feel weak because you want to believe that you're weak.

But the truth of the matter lies behind the insights of the people around you as you are the product of them.

Listen to those thoughts. Embrace them. They're trying to prove it to you.

I'm talking to you, Maggie. It's not the best time for you. These days aren't the best for you...ironically,

they're the best for me and it isn't because I'm in a [brand new] relationship; it's because I just believe they are.

Even though, as you know I'm not in the best academic position.

I hate repetition, but you know that. So I'll just finish this post with this:

I want you to know that I love you. I want to be there for you, physically, but I can't.

I hope the best for you. Just prepare yourself.

Life is wonderful and so are you.

This feeling that you suffer from,

or the lack of feeling that gives you features.

That, where that word in this world is originated from.

In which, assigns which emotions you can endure.

To define such in-dignifying attribute – characteristic.

Or rather to perceive its meaning, its texture...

One would need to experience such phenomena and be realistic.

To understand Depression.

To reach a point of Recognition.

To get themselves some Prescriptions.

To master ...Inspiration?

An elaboration will defeat the purpose of this poem. But to contrary belief, depression isn't a severe case of sadness and sorrow.

My depiction of it on the other hand, might most possibly sound ...neurotic?

One wouldn't usually need to–quote, unquote–"list" reasons on such matter, but the truth lies beneath the desires of one's soul and if they're hidden then no word has the profound meaning it is supposed to posses.

Hence why I took the time to write this note.

Even though it doesn't float my boat.

It is...

The sound of your voice in my ear, that wakes my subconscious up.

The inner beauty of your mysterious mind that attracts me to no end.

Your strong barrier, built around you...consciously.

Your ability to penetrate. Penetrate into my real state of mind, through the foggy mist.

Your eyes, that intoxicate me with their gaze.

Your lips, that kiss me back every time.

Your stare, into my wicked soul.

Your protective soul which I want to reach.

The perspective that you have of life.

"Your caring sense."

Things..

In which that I want you to know.

In which that you let me know about you.

In which make me get closer to you.

That you believe in.

But..

We are very different people.

I don't need to tell you these.

All I need to do is say "I love you"

Note: Since I never had the time to put a noticeable amount of time into this, it's build up of fragmented thoughts that I have jotted down on my notebook during the past two days.

I can't feel my innocence as you speak, you are nothing but a stranger to me.

I catch a glimpse of your eyes and my mind remembers all those lies that it lived in for so many years.

My white sheet is scrabbled with dirty thoughts. Theories or hypothesis aside.

I am a man of reality, so I look away and gaze at my tie. 'Cause I will be nothing but a wheezing fly.

If I ever find the courage to open my mouth, I will tell you how I recognized the path.

So jolly good, I have to sneak. Live a long life and rest in peace.

I wrote this when I sat in front of an interesting person in the subway.

It's not a magical phenomenal that's never explained in our life form.

It isn't the temptation caused by our hormones that are coursing through our blood stream.

It's not just the shocks from your brain nerves to one another. It's more than that.

It's this craving inside our soul that looks for an outsider to reach it –– so they'd fulfill its (our soul's) desire to our unmeasurable domination over what we want our lives to be, not what they exactly are.

It's a possibility, from the least of the probabilities, that we get to find someone (something) that satisfies our intentional but yet, unconscious demands as a typical self loathing, proud attention seeker.

All in all, it's not our fault we're made this way. All we need is a little extra effort on our side and we can revive any emotion in our hearts and ignite them until they burn out, all over again. They're all incendiary.

So lie down on the ground and look at the sky, as there's still hope for us to find.

Let's see if you can ever sing "twinkle, twinkle, little star" again without getting reminded by this

Twinkle, twinkle little star,
I really want to take you to a bar.

I want to have a real conversation with you, let's talk!
Even if this email might get into your bulk.

I want to believe that you'll read this, 'cause
I'm really drunk and I have a buzz.

I'll wait for you alone in the dark,
until you come to me and shine like a spark.

The drop of a single tear on my cheek.

The memories that are left from my past of you.

I miss you all, everyone.

I want every second back, from all the days of my past.

I want you to be here when I need your grace.

I need your physical factors of your caring sense.

It's amazing how suddenly everything goes blank, all of a sudden my mind ticks and it goes back.

To the days that we'd spent, the moments that we shared.

Your fairly put together advice, your innocent judgmental looks.

To the nights that we felt drunk, the sympathetic gestures of your strong souls.

To the beauty that comes from your mind, to your ideas about the-so-called-life.

I want it all back.

I miss those wonderful times.

I can't go back, but...

Life is too short to drool on the past. (Don't blame my soft soul; I'm only human)

Elaboration:

I called my aunt today and realized how much I missed her.

Not just her, but everyone back in my hometown. It all hit me right when I heard her voice.

It's amazing how the sound of someone can touch you so greatly.

I miss you all, I know you read this.

- Nima

I was gonna crave "OVER" with bold inside those words but I felt that would have been a little too obsessive.

Or maybe it's just me. I, who feel obligated to the people around me, so much that I would try to feel something towards them.

Something softer than a marshmallow, to build a better tension than a small magnet between two pieces of metal.

There is this feeling inside that tells me: All of this is a neat nightmare.

It's fascinating how amusing I can become to myself, it's like I'm some sort of a material to my own conscious, a single feeling of anti-boredom.

I've been making too much sense lately, I've been too predictable to any insane mind. Saints and sanes aside.

Everything is blur in a non-literal sense of sight then it becomes clear as a crystal.

Thinking, going through every minute of every day. Thinking of life.

Questioning every moment, every prospect, every single fucking gesture of humanity.

Rationalizing all the known.

Fantasizing about the unknown, making sense of their twisted unmeasurable chance of existence.

For why do I hold the ability to think for others.

As if I was a human God, a holy leader of the human tribe.

For the living and the dead.

For all the meanings that are left to mend.

As if I had wicked rhymes and a tremendous amount of pride.

Only if I could smoke it up and become high, think free and just waste life.

There has to be a reason for my freaky piece, I forgot how it started at the very least.

Though if I could just collaborate with my disturbed witted mind, maybe someday I'll enchant this realm and shape it into something fine.

I exist in your day to day life, you are my universe.

I am a witted excuse for your subconscious.

I am the reason you suffer everyday.

I am the product of the people around you.

I'm the piece that shouldn't exist in thy life.

I am the unknown, the unwanted.

You try to distract yourself with stupid cheesy gestures of things you'd describe as fun.

But either way, you will end up with me again.

Late at night, I'll be telling you how fake you are again. [!]

"Life is hard for everyone, I wish I could change that. Every time I try to do something nice for someone else,
I get hung on the person. I develop this one way connection with them. Whether if they're a female or a male. I can't rationalize it."

Electrical pulse, containing information #2; Sending to nerve with unique id: 8.5x2

"Don't get me wrong, I don't fall in love with them. They just become an inevitably unavoidable part of my life. I feel obligated to them,
even though they should be feeling that way about me."

Electrical pulse, containing information #3; Sending to nerve with unique id: √289

"Maybe I'm just not good at handling my emotions. I guess I'm too emotional for my own sake. But what the hell, that's what makes me, me.
The inability to use my power of logic and rationalize my feelings––which admittedly, I have become to examine more often than solving a math formula––is quite the disappointment to me."

I can't seem to stop doing it and well, it's been making me think:

I can't really get my mind into a specific topic without questioning the possibilities that might be the resolution to that particular brand of information.

I can't seem to fully simplify every aspect of a random situation, without digging through the different conceivable fragments of a solution to it.

I can't stop thinking about what's going to happen next if I choose to say or do what it's in my mind. I even go through the imaginable conversations that I might have with someone, if the whole thing is involving someone else, that is.

I can't stop wondering.

But no, I'm not going to question those statements because for once, I have to believe in what I think and just go with it.

If you're close enough to me than you know all my stories and all the pathetic nights that I had to go through some time ago.

I prefer to refer to them as the "dark" days, when my Grandma had passed away and I was having the most emotional growth of my teenage hood–which frankly, involved a girl.

It was amazing how vulnerable I got for her and when I was crushed down to solo-town, I had no idea it would have been so hard to move on.

I could go on and describe how miserable I was, or how I was so unaware of the world outside me that I hurt most of my friends around me. But hell, who wants to hear a boring story of a boy getting hurt.

Some posts before this, the one about Autumn. I had mentioned something about "moving on". At that time, it was only a thought, one of those possible get-aways that I was thinking of.

I had to stop questioning everything.

I had to stop hypothesizing all the aspects of my feelings.

I finally let it all go and even though I had to go through two nights of pure pain–not just mental but physical too–all I can feel right now is relief.

Only two lines left to say (quoting myself):

Experiments become experience,

yet we keep on experimenting.

A lot of us try to figure it out.

Some of us try to believe in it.

Some of us do believe in it.

Then there's that group that doesn't want to believe in it.

The group that doesn't take life for granted.

The people who use their minds as if they'd allow you to transplant it.

The open minded ones.

The ones with that breakthrough

that they're wondering if it came through.

Masters of diversion,

who aren't scared of salvation.

The ones who know X&Y by heart,

they're living as life is some sort of art.

The ones that fight with their weak hands,

just to be fair to their foes' fangs.

The ones who float on a tidal wave,

perfecting life on their own behave.

So, why don't I just pick a place?

Let's all meet in the outer space.

I remember the silly days that I started having a social life.  The day that I decided to be like everyone else and take their stupidity.  The days that I stopped caring about humanity, as much as I did back then.

I remember the first time I went to a high school party. The only time that I got drugged and blacked out for an hour.

What I don't recall is why I started this blog in the first place.  As of why I just randomly started dumping words on it.

I don't actually recall when I started vomiting words in a symmetrical way.  All I know is that this right here is probably the only thing that's made me master English, enough that I can be a part of the society.

With all that, I've even changed in a personal perspective too.

Sensibility has been one of my skills, or whatever you want to call it.  It's been the only characteristic I used to tell people when they asked me what kind of a person I am.

Now, it just seems that Canada's made me harder and inevitably reduced my passion.  I get it though, going through a butt load of different confusing situations I had to harden up and get a hold of myself.  But I'll never forget who I am and why I'm here.

This again, will be a proof of my sanity.  Put here for morality.

A reaction of my sorrow and misery,
as if I was a sad text in a blackberry.

A pathetic little bee,
just like the bug in the Ant called Zee.

The lonely successor of the failure king,
who is hoping to fly away with his imaginary wings.

I am a dead miserable person inside,
waiting for some miracle to shock me alive.

I am me and I will decide,
that if I'm going to be strong and put this aside.

Whether I fail to do what I think it is the best to do,
or I put my power towards my feelings so they'd be fulfilled.

I will live along with you; sitting beside,
I just hope we won't randomly collide.

That if we do I will crash and if I survive,
then I will tell you how I felt all this long while.

Love isn't a game.

Love is a pure substance.

Love is a perfect feeling.

Love is a true mystery.

Love is a that out-of-the-box cliche` everyone tries to prove.

Love is the perception you put into your soul.

Love is your other half.

Love is exactly what's missing from the world.

Love is a pathetically dim witted existence that has stayed beautiful after all the miserable failures of it being defined.

Love is perfection, in fact:

Love is all the perfection that's left in the world.

Until they almost reach to zero when the cold hits in. The colorful epiphany.

Fascinated by the divined mixture of nature, consequently put together in this life form. What we might wanna call existence.

What you want to believe in as life.

What gets us through the days? I still don't know.

For all we know, this might even be the hell that we all talk about.

For all we know, this might even be heaven. Maybe this is the best "God" could do.

We might be living in eternity and all you want to waste your time doing is figuring out why your friend is sad today?

Well, I guess that's an improvement over our selfish bastard coded bastard-ness. You want me to be a good friend then tell me and lift the pressure because six months ago, I was so confused that I fainted in the bathroom while trying to keep myself awake. Waiting for your phone call.

History never goes away and no one can pretend it's gone. I will however, do my best to postpone thinking about it whenever I see you.

Every time at this time of the year, I decide. If I will be wasting my time, trying to win someone over.

So I guess we're all pathetic that way. Yet the only thing that let's me sleep at night is that I've finally figured it out.

I was never in love with you. I hope you never read this.

I finally am man enough to destroy my memory, even though I will always have this bizarre pensive "pensieve" here that will remind me of everything.

I remember the days that you would just let me, your subconscious, think for you. To tell you if your feelings were true. Too bad I wasn't mature enough to understand that miserable, yet amazing thing called "love". I'm sorry that you had to find out everything by yourself. But I'm happy that you moved on. whether you're going to choose to be a

programmer or a fashionable journalist, it doesn't matter at this point. Because I know, no matter what state of mind you're in you will be able to understand. I'm nothing but happy

about how you handled me on the miserable days of Death and Love. Hope you're having a great semester at U of T and I can't wait to fall asleep tonight, believing that I live inside

someone who wouldn't break easily. I swear to the God that you never really believed in, to the tear on your cheek, that I will always, always, be with you.

Note: This will be mailed (post) to me by my own teacher, in about a year.

Note 2: It's a letter from my subconscious to myself

Based on a true story.

An Intermission With Death

One thought: Disorder. Waves of dynamic scream, shaking my ears.

Am I dreaming? What's happening?

Finally, after minutes of reassurance I find myself lying on my bed. I've been dreaming alright. A dream came true.

They were constantly screaming. It was unstoppable, and worse: It kept me from going back to sleep.

Why wouldn't they stop and go back to sleep already?

Over the repetitive, non-logical and yet somehow understandable waves of sound that past my ears. I recognized my mother's voice,

"Oh no.. No! No, no no no. NO!"

"What?" I thought, but deep inside I knew what was happening. I slowly got out of bed, it was dark, but the narrow stream of light coming from the living room was enough for me to know what I was stepping on.

Kicking my books away, I was also reminded that I never got to finish studying for my exam that night.

"Pity", I thought.

I had washed my face before I knew it and I was standing in the living room, looking for the source of the screaming, but now hearing a new but thicker voice over the previous one:

"Shh, it's gonna be alright." I recognized it without a second of doubt: My older brother. I was certain then, it must have had happened.

Seconds after, I was staring at my dad lying on his bed. His eyes white as a sheet.. Open. My mother was half lying on him, still screaming. My brother had a phone in his hand, trying to call somewhere but yet awkwardly lost in his imagination.

I pulled my mom away from him.. Moments passed by as if I was in some other universe, where time goes by real slow. I reached down my trousers to find a half used handkerchief and passed it on to my mother.

“Get out of here.” I whispered, trying to hide any possible face expressions. So she did. It felt weird, ordering her to do something..

Sitting there looking at my father’s body, while listening to my brother’s struggles with the phone in his hand trying to call an ambulance I couldn’t feel anything but empty. No, I felt emptier than empty itself, as if I was vacant. No emotions at all.

I shook him. I called him. I tried closing his eyes and then reopening them.. Nothing. I changed his position as though he was sitting on the bed.

“Dad? Are you there?” I hit his back like you would hit someone when they’re chocking and yet.. No sign of life. After seconds of disappointment I see a small tablet on the table, next to the bed. Before I knew it, I had put it under my dad’s tongue. What was the point?

*Ding*, the door bell rang.

All I could do was sit there and watch my dad’s unchangeable expression.

*Ding*, the door bell rang a second time.

“Open the goddamn door!” Shouted my brother in an unsatisfying voice. But I was on my way to the door already, I couldn’t care less.

The second I opened the door, I could see my aunt’s face. 3am and they showed up in less than 10 minutes. Was it really over? Was he gone?

In the search for my mother, I hear my brother calling the hospital again:

“Where the hell is the ambulance!? What the fuck are you doing!?” It felt kind of annoying, hearing him use harsh words for once, but I didn’t mind.

I found her in the bathroom, crying her eyes out:

“Mom, aunty is here. Get up, please.” So she did. Poor woman, what’s she gotta do? Forget about me.

I helped her up and got out of her sight, for her own good. I could hear the ambulance, getting louder every second. What if it was all a dream?

My uncle’s face in the door step was surprising, but yet I still couldn’t care less:

“Your dad might be dead, son.” He said.

“Well then, accept my sympathy.” I said, looking straight in his eyes. The next thing I knew, I was trying to dodge his punch but it was too late. I heard a loud bang and the only thing I remember is: Hollowness.

“Boy, wake up. Wake up, son!” I saw a fragment of my dad’s face in the middle of my left eye’s arc. Was I in heaven already?

“Get him some water for god’s sake. Wake up, boy!”

If it wasn’t heaven then.. Were we both in hell?

I open my eyes. There he stood, looking down at me smiling. What had happened?

“You saved my life. The doctor said if you hadn’t given me that pill I would’ve been dead 15 minutes ago.”

“Welcome back… asshole!” I said, with pure hatred.

*BANG*. And that was all I remembered.

Deep down inside, we don't mean anything we say about anything in the world. Because I don't believe there is such a thing as full certainty left in this weird world that we live in these days. But do we need to be certain about everything, or is it alright for us just to be satisfied with whatever decision we make in our lives?

Two weeks ago, this wasn't a simple question that I could answer in a matter of seconds. It indeed, did take me hours of soul searching and thinking, to find a simple answer of:

Yes, I would rather live with a tiny bit of satisfaction, than an eternity with certification.

Making things complicated is a part of my life that not everyone appreciates, but I guess I certainly failed to control this instinct. To the point that not only one, but two close friends of mine actually told me to stop.

One, which you must know, MarboroXIII, actually insulted me for it. That was his way of telling me to stop, I guess. Which I dig, with all my soul.

Nevertheless, I now, am satisfied with how I live. There probably won't be any self-philosophizing posts being posted on this blog. At least not regularly, as they used to. Not from me.

But, here's a little something that I've had to post a long time ago for someone called Matias. I think it'll help him, as much as it helped me.

To Matias:

Not everything, but most of things we face in life link to the reason that we exist. Questioning the reason that we exist has been a problem that everyone has had to experience in life, and will. A lot of us get carried away by God's reassurance of all of us being It's servant. Giving them a reason to exist, to obey the unseen and unbeatable God.

Not all of us have to believe in what others believe and I, believe that what others believe in has nothing to do with the facts all around the world. If you want to see facts of everything questionable, to make sure that they're what I'm gonna call real then you have no way of believing in the so called God. I know, as I know you, that you're just like me on that part. Your satisfaction is completely linked to the facts you see everyday. The fact that you might have social anxiety, by the looks of it. Or the fact that as of now, the Mars is the limit, not the Sky.

Overall, I think we all should take some time to find ourselves in this world. Where do we stand or why is the reason we were created. Yet, this all comes back to your instincts. Whether you're open minded enough to listen to what I'm going to suggest or not, we all have ways to communicate and share our beliefs, I'm a good writer, I connect with writing. Stuff that me, myself would never be able to say in a speech unless I'm rather in a non-sober or my best mood.

Running over the make up of this whole writing, I'd like you to do one simple thing. You don't need a therapist to tell you how to live. Find your own way of living. It doesn't matter if it's the most cliche thing you'll ever do, because let's face it: We've existed long enough that almost everything we do is some sort of a cliche. You can find yourself in the darkest moments of your life. I believe in that. I'd like to believe in it. I'm satisfied with believing in it.

- Nima

[This is a short biography about Matias, by himself:]

I like technology. I'm always amazed by hacks, how skilled people get their code running where it shouldn't, and I love reading about low-level stuff I don't understand anything about. Unofficial console documentation is exciting reading to me, and exploits are awesome too. Maybe I'm just freaky like that, but I can always dream about being able to do stuff like that some day

My "big dream" is to become a hacker. Someone who just pushes systems to their extremes and cracks stuff (heh, how lame). Giving a speech in some year's C3 would be awesome But that's totally unreachable with my current level of skill, and it's quite obvious that with my current self-esteem and level of self-loathing I'll never reach my goal.

P.S. That note could help a lot of people, even myself after re-reading it.

This sequence of over 6,677,563,921 unique numbers which defines every single unique human being: what could these numbers be made of? A gesture of feelings or just a random unique number that's been generated by the best mathematician who calls himself God?

an² + bn + c ?

What if we could graph humanity? What would the shape be like? An old theory from the

{en:π (film)} says that it's a Spiral.

Example:

"My new Hypothesis: If we're built from Spirals while living in a giant Spiral, then is it possible that everything we put our hands to is infused with the Spiral?" -- Max Cohen (in the movie)

My Hypothesis:

"Being able to define everything and graph everything shouldn't be possible. However briefly, if it were to be possible that we could graph humanity, would we want it to be shaped as a Spiral? Are we in peace, right now, that we live in this giant Spiral?" (this logically doesn't count as a {en:Hypothesis} )

Back to the common difference, if we are in fact a huge sequence of numbers, our common difference would be the strongest love we could find in this world.

The {en:factorial}, however,

that I wish for nothing greater,

would be death or what I would like to believe,

the code to the next level.

Thinking it through, I think we all need to have a limit for everything in our lives and if we do ever break them, we should punish ourselves. If all of us had a limit, the world would have been a better place.
But it turns out that human beings want to break every limit out there, so what's the point of even making them? So we can break them?

Sometimes I'm scared of thinking about my own thoughts, 'cause I think I might face an infinite loop once. Thinking of me thinking about me thinking of me thinking...[to eternity] Paranoia?

But not giving up is something that we all should be working on, so I guess I'll never stop.

Moving on, I'm seriously close to being bored again. Being stable isn't fun at all, I'm pretty much bored all the time. This post might actually suck by the time you finish reading it, because it'd be so boring that you would regret reading it.

I've been changing my whole life, and yet again I re-did some of my mistakes last week. Usually, I learn from the past, it's really embarrassing for me to realize that I've done the exact same thing a year ago.

It's a long story, stupid and idiotic. Combined with teenage stupidity and young obsessions, which I'm gonna skip on telling. But know this, I'm believing  that I'll never be able to learn about  the previous changes that I've made and why exactly that I've made that change.

I admit, some of the changes that I've had in my life might have been some what unorthodox, but they've all been for the greater good. I don't really regret any of them, but stepping back into a group that I had changed out of was really unthoughtful of me. I'll be regretting it everyday, that is by being scared of a gangster wanna be, attacking me any second while I'm sitting with my friends in a park, or even walking past my favorite pizza place.

This will be left here as a proof to my stupidity.

MarlboroXIII you got it.

- Nimsical

Who are you to tell me what normality is?

What's the definition?

Can you define normality?

Is it even possible to be normal?

Is there anything that can be called normal?

What if we're all insane? What about sanity?

What's the limit?

Where am I supposed to stop and be sane?

Do I have to break the limit?

Do I need to stop right now?

Is this being insane?

Or am I just being yet another normal teenager?

Why is teenage hood so darn impressive?

I have questions God! Answer me. Why most of us guys will do anything for girls?

Does love exist?

Is it true?

What is this young love that I pretend not to believe in?

Help me out here I'm lost. Do YOU exist, God?

Are you normal?

Can you tell me what the fuck am I supposed to do?

How should I live?

Should I pray or should I rock for the so called Devil?

I'm still waiting God, I want answers! What are we?

Why do we exist? Are we all puppets of a greater power?

Then why are we able to create puppets?

Where are these words coming from?

How did we revolutionize so greatly?

Did you poke our DNAs or was it us who worked on their abilities?

When's the next IceAge?

Are we all gonna die soon?

What's Humanity?

Is it being nice or being evil?

Should I kill to exist or make peace and die with dignity?

What is the point of all this misery you've put into this world?

Define emotion I beg you!

I'm not the only one who's lost.

There are no answers from you.

What are you?

Do you even exist?

If you're a higher power and want us to obey,

I think you're idiotic. I'll be scared of you one day but till then

I shall rock my soul.

I will rock you.

WE WILL ROCK YOU.

I believe in God, but at some points.. it doesn't seem right at all.

Kill me now?

If you're still reading - make yourself comfortable, for this is going to be boring.

Why most of you are idiots?

Humanity got caught up in a vicious circle. We (and by we I mean you) rely on mass information like it's the one and only truth. Internet became our second home away from home. Instead of writing - people blog. Instead of talking - they exchange messages. You are not contributing to the death of English language, no, I believe English language to be as alive as ever, even with all stupidity you can find in it (lol, rofl, brb, and such... I think I'm gonna hurl). You are contributing to... your own inevitable (and rather shameful) fall into the world of electronic communications.

Why do people blog? Because they have something to say? I wish. They blog because they have NOTHING to say, so they write... pardon me - THEY BLOG about their little precious lives or the lives of those who are around them, but second one happens very rarely. PEOPLE DON'T CARE HOW WAS YOUR DAY, OR HOW WENT YOUR DATE, OR HOW FUCKING MISERABLE YOU ARE BECAUSE YOUR GIRLFRIEND OR BOYFRIEND LEFT YOU! (and it's hard to care about how well you dance or what exercises you're doing to be in shape... I'm definitely gonna hurl) Suck it up, and keep moving. There are people who care about you, but you won't find them on the internet. If you will - you're one lucky bastard. Or you're just an idiot who can't distinguish true from fake...

Why most of you are idiots? Because you have no idea what I am trying to say, and the first comment to be posted on this entry will most likely be "you're about one thing - it was boring."

You know what else makes you an idiot? The fact that you think that you are smarter than they are.

That being said, these were my last words on this blog. My page was here because I thought this blog to be different. And different it was. The key word here is in the past tense.

http://www.zeitgeistmovie.com/

Start watching at about 35 minutes. America, you're stupid.

Always not yours.

Alex

• The awkward moment between the songs, right after the first song's finished and the next song is going to start. You really don't know who you're dancing with, unless s/he is in fact a friend of yours. Other than that, you're in trouble. Unless you have high social abilities, which is beyond me.
• The first 3 minutes of the first song, your body isn't hyper enough and you can't dance at your best level. I really hate that, usually, a shot of alcohol will get you over these moments but when you have to dance without having that shot, you're stuck between the thought of grabbing your partner or thinking that it's still not the time. Yet good dances shouldn't be bothered by this at all.
• Also, my personal favourite, which is also rare to happen, is when your so much better than your partner, that you best him/her and the dance gets whether really boring for you, or really hard for your partner. This usually resolves to a slow dance or puts an end to your dance, destroying the tension between you and your partner, continued by a nice talk about how you danced. It also might lead to sharing your cell-phone numbers. Fascinating.

* From now on, I will mention if I've used a quote. This is due to MarboroXIII's picky-ness. This quote is from Moroz. my English teacher.

Happy and cute, flattering and sweet.

You'll eventually become so secure that nothing bothers you anymore. Your shyness becomes a challenge, your lack of commitment will make you feel unique. And the one hour loneliness you find during your spare time becomes a fun hour with a high school couple.

Happy and cute, flattering and sweet.

[To Cam. and Nicole, May. 5th, 2008]

Faith is almost fading,
Our fate lies behind.

Our Hate is re-instructing
And our lives are renewing.

Experiments become experience,
Yet we keep on experimenting.

Life keeps on generating adventures,
We drift, fade away into the arsenal of it’s creator.

Reasonable explanations don’t exist,
Reasonable imaginations keeps us going.

Fashionable minds are the way to go,
Yet life seems so frustrating.

Still confused about the sober life,
Yet so in-confident about the drunken life.

But.. Please.
Please bare the instance,
the explosion of thoughts,
the fantasize of elaborations,
Since a new you is being born.

Since I promised that I won’t post anything until I get back to Canada (due to the block), I ended up posting three new posts at the same time. So, please do take the time to read them. I’ll list them here, listed as their quality decreases.

Tears
Internal Conversation
Growing Up
XKCD

Also, for those of you who care. I’ll finish the “Across the Universe” post as soon as possible.
I missed the due date for the school’s news paper, too. Embarrassing.

The funniest thing about it is that it pissed me off so bad that I ended up writing this note on my dad’s P1. A sign of immaturity?
I don’t even wanna point out the irony here.

This is probably the shortest post and the most pure of all, combined with sarcasm and honesty.

I love English. I saw these tourists at the place, which were a couple and from Canada. We drank Smirnoff and talked in English. I can’t express the feeling in words.
English’s been a part of my life since I was four years old and it’s nearly impossible for me to let it go, I’m completely bound to the language.
A proof for my honesty is the fact that I”m drunk. (when this note was written)

-Nima

Walking in the cold, tragical ruins. The holy Graveyard. Where my Grandparents lies. Feeling depressed and unwanted. Left alone in this cruel world. No one would understand and neither do I. I finally give in to the feeling and cry. This is for all of us to remember. To remember her forever. To keep her in our hearts at all time. While we grow up and live our lives. She'll be watching. She'll be there, in heaven. Somewhere she believed to be the best place to achieve after a successful life. Throughout her life she never harmed a human being and I believe with all my heart that she'll have a happy spirit. She'll rest in peace.

Word, I don't know what you call this feeling, there's no descriptive word that can explain the sorrow and the sadness. I've lost her. A love who's faded away, to heaven. She's history now. She's my memories, my past, my life, and my future. She thought me the meanings of life and left me, just like any other teacher would. Left me all alone to live, by myself. It's how it works really.

Once again I crash into the wall of mortality. Life still has meaning and will continue on. So be happy, have fun. Laugh as the true Humanity is the ability to smile. Live for no reason and find a meaning in life. Live to your death.

-Nima

… To be over the tragic death of my dear Grandmother.

- Nima

I had conflicts. Every teenager has conflicts. Despite the fact that I was in a group that most of the people around were scared of and would stay away from, plus all the moody attitudes and illogical reactions to life, I was doing good. The group had a stressful environment and a lot of the so called “drama”. I wasn't happy, the depressing was slowly taking me. It was serious, everything was messed up. The group's events started to take over my day-to-day life: Clothing, attitude, speech (slang), humour, and finally – logic. The first idea and the first thoughts of changing hit me at a party back at the beginning of the school year. Meeting new people, communicating. Something that was missing out of my life. I saw the possibility of change, to reconstruct myself. It could bring logic back to me and stabilize me. Like every big change, it had it's own circumstances: Horrible dramatic “fights”, arguments with my ex-friends as if I was divorcing them, lonely weekends, and depression. But my new friends helped me out, I slowly became stable and was finally able to “logiclize” myself, my feelings and my thoughts. It all sounds easy, but it took me six months to go through the whole change. These kind of changes usually happen when your younger, but when you've bonded with a group as a more of a mature person, it becomes harder.

The previous situation vs. the situation after the change. To give you a bit of information about the group that I was in: They were heavy drug addicts who enjoyed what they did and made the money for their addiction using violence and illegal activities. They were mainly poor but confident. Personally, I never joined them on the whole drug part or their violent behavior, but just being a “part” of their activities and being with them was slowly destroying me. Over the period of my partner-ship with them, three members of the group dropped out of school and most of the others failed most of their subjects. Hopefully, I survived. Academically, I'm rich and successfully passed all my subjects. After I left the group, I pretty much chose not to be a part of any group in particular. Correctly, I'm emotionally stable and have a whole bunch of friends who wouldn't really fit into one group. I tend to help others and the change made me strong enough to handle everything that has happened to me so far. I can easily support friends and handle their problems for them.

The change truly was the biggest change in my life and I don't regret it. I've had people who have noticed the change in me and were pround of me. I've learned many life lessons over the past year and am truly happy at where-I-stand, considering that these all happened just about a year after I started living in Canada. I would call the change “amazing” or more of the word “perfect” than “harsh” or anything near the word, because everything I did was worth it and everything I'll do from now on is building towards a future that I might some day dream of. My family wasn't involved in this change, however they did notice me being moody. They helped me out in certain points. How I think of myself isn't describable by words.
After that change, I've willingly been through several other changes and they've all worked out so far. I've been officially addicted to change and tend to keep to one of my favourite quotes:
“Learn from the past and never regret.” - Shawna Dimitry
Leaving a group that you're used to isn't so easy, after all.

No one chooses what family to be born into, no one chooses what kind of parents they have, where they will live during childhood, how much money they will have, etc.

I was inspired while watching the movie "Homeless to Harvard" about Liz Murray whos parents were drug users, had AIDS and her mother had a mental illness.

Her sister and her had little food and Liz rarely went to school nor showered because of the dirtiness how the homes bathroom.

But in the end at age 17 she went back to school and finished high school in two years and won a scholarship to go to Harvard.

It is a true story and it shows that no matter how hard life is for you, even if you didnt choose to be there nor deserve to be there, you can always turn it around for yourself.

Life and succeeding is challenging and you always have to work hard no matter what, nothing is easy, but a lot of people including myself up till a little while ago always look for the easy way through things. Like JUST passing in school, or thinking about taking up a career that you think will be easy.

Maybe one of you reading this is in a position where things seem to always be wrong, you always feel worthless, useless even helpless. Know this; you can turn your life around by just working hard, because in the end, it will make this a lot easier and better for you. Don't give up and lose your dream. Fight for what you want.

No matter how hard a situation is, it can always be turned around.

Watch Now

 
I'm not bored, I'm troubled.

The calming silence of a fresh snow

That glimmers on the dence moonlight glow

You stand tall and strong like a mighty spruce

Standing unequaled towering above the rest

Your realm a darkened sky stretching

Twilight onward shadows

Breath the cool night air taken into you

My mind and heart no longer melancholy

Living on the very thought of you

In this realm with you I stay

Enternal midnights arcane day

Of calming peace and silence

Along the narrow path misted grey

With all its beauty, all its light

This darkened realm in twisted night

Its your soul to the very depths

And to this day I have not left

I'm writing an article about this movie on my School's newspaper, so I'd finish this by 27th Feb., 2008.

- Nima

1. Very basic golf skills to be able to shoot the ball. In other words: Know how to hold a [plastic] hockey stick.
2. A little bit of body strength, to escape the deadly pushes from the other players in your own team.

To have fun while playing:

1. ICE-Hockey skills, specially shooting from distance.
2. Team Commitment.

For better performance, please contact the nearest Toronto District School, GYM.

- Nima

Fighting every bit of snow, hitting me, fighting me – like how Roman Gladiators fought back in-the-day.

They keep pushing as they’re performing a BlitzKrieg – But I fight them back.

I can feel them melt on my skin as love melts down to hate in our minds. [Questionable]

They’re as fast as the Concord and as cold as Mars.

I can’t resist, I fall for their cold power – just as I fell for the touch of the Cigarette to my lips.

I let them take me, just like the razor blades take our lives away.

I let the feeling knock me out.

It's funny, I noticed that the teacher uses the same style of talking as the head of the Math department; just the male version of her.
Looking at the clock every minute, waiting for the class to finish... Smiling
It's funny, I had a post called Midnight about how I'm not organized and waste my time. I can't even deny it, just to make myself look better. I was late to class today. I had to clean my binder in class! How am I gonna be organized if I'm not even trying? Why am I filling pages of note in my class, while the teacher's actually teaching ? Or why exactly I even have a fucking blog (blag)?

Questions to be answered.
Thoughts to be perfected.
Entries to be posted.

- Nima

Moving on:

It's the start of my new semester. New subjects. New class-mates. New paper sheets, and a new me.

Blog. Blogging. Blogged. Time. Timing. Good Timing. Bad Timing.
Organization.
Small explosion of thoughts in my mind. Time being wasted. Trying to be organized, but it's passed midnight. I'm trying, trying my best. But I just can't. Looking for a way to be organized, but that's just not the way I've lived my whole life. Now:
Change. In need of change, thinking that I've changed in a good way already. Finding the truth about myself. I don't know who's inside. Taking control and being able to fix my thoughts isn't an easy job.
Loosing logic was an interesting change. I'm happier than ever. I don't care about anything anymore. It's just me for now, unless it changes.
I have no future in mind. I'm living for nothing. Just for the hell-of-it.
So as long as I'm living, whatever I do is building towards something that someday I'd carry on with. That's me.

This is probably one of those posts were not a lot of readers would like, but I just had to empty my head into this piece.

Best,
- Nima.

Canada is supposed to be a peace keeping country. Its "claimed" multicultural. Its cultural mosaic. That is a load of bull.

Why do I say so? Well because its not true, we have racism here. Even within our own government. We have cops beating people up just because of the colour of their skin. You can't be native around here or you get no rights like all the "white" people.

Whats wrong with this world? Why does it matter what you look like and who you are? serisously how does that affect anybody else but the persons business. This whole racism thing really ticks me off. Its talked about so much yet people still wont stop. And the government is part of the problem!

I myself am part native on my mothers side I just usually don't get hell from people because my skin is only tanned not dark.

Racism hurts everyone no matter what culture or ethnic group you come from.

If anyone finds a place where we can be ourselves, please tell me and I'll have the first flight possible to said place.

Dress the way you want, act the way you want, be your own person. You could dye your hair green! You can do that in high school. But think about it; if you get a job is your boss going to let you have green hair and dress the way you want? Most likely not. Most jobs now have dress codes.

High school years are full of happiness too. This is the time when you meet life long friends or future lovers perhaps. But once you graduate you lose contact with a lot of people you know and care for.

I personally know after graduation day I'm locking myself in my room to cry for a week. Stupid eh? I'm just a people person I guess and I'll even miss the people I hated and people for possibly made fun of me all through the years. Why? Because memories are memories, even if the joke was on you.

I plan spending every single time of high school enjoying myself. Four years goes by fast.

Graduation(friends forever)-Vitamin C

Usually hate that kind of music but the lyrics in this song get to me.

Don't waste your years mates.

#2: lmao

lmao

#3: lol

lol!

Guess what the first post is?

The amount of users who "lurk" into forums and check it every-second is really shocking. To host a popular forum service, you'll need a lot of bandwidth and speed. Since you have to be able to handle a shit-load of requests at the same time. So I guess what I'm really trying to say is that being a forum-freak and wasting the time of your life, wouldn't make you happy in the future. Get off it. Live a better life. I've been meaning to post this entry for a long time, since I even started this blog. It just never got to it on my TODO list.

Find a better thing to do on internet, re-search stuff. (IRC isn't the best thing either). Hm, the only thing left to say is...

Google it!

Best,

- Nima

Anyhow, today they kinda changed their code and it has a bug where, if anything happens to the Sql (database-server) tables, the widget combination will restart (which is the two columns visible at the right side of this post).

So the Geek Test and the Share widgets wouldn't be available for now (until it's fixed).

Thanks,
- Nima

Hatred. Sorrow. Revenge and passion, with the mixture of music. I don't know how else I can describe this movie, but I can tell you this: "This is most likely, one of the best movies Johhny Depp has played". When I heard it was a musical, I bought a ticket without even looking at the trailer.

Musical Film, the type entirely has changed throughout it's history. Back when most of the movies were musical and to the next level where other kind of movies were created. Some good examples would be: My Fair Lady, Grease, Moulin Rouge, and Across the Universe. Each have their own unique style, different way of expressing happiness, sadness, love and death. These great feelings are expressed by the sound of music and the passion of the actor. I think Johnny Depp quiet succeeded to be what he was supposed to be. At least, he was better than what I expected of him. Although the movie seemed to be just a long boring music track to my friends, I really liked it. The usage of low bit color graphics and more power to the color red. The ending, was a little ironic - but I don't wanna spoil anything. The movie is gonna be something like Moulin Rouge, I'll watch it over and over again until I know every word of it by heart. I think it was a great movie of it's kind.

If you think the opposite, there seems to be only one alternative (after discussing this with my friend) :

Suck my DICK!

Excuse the expression by all means. Have a nice day.

- Nima

Now I really don't know why I am here writing all this but maybe just maybe it will tire my eyes and help me fall asleep a little earlier tonight.

Oh great my RLS just joined in with my sleep insomnia.

RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome): Unpleasant sensations in legs that occur during rest or when attempting to sleep. The sensations are described as creeping, crawling, aching, and fidgety

It's not very delightful when I am trying to sleep.

Sweet dreams my readers. Sweeter then mine I hope.

I am Me.
No one will sue Me.
No one will hurt Me.
No one will crush Me.
Me will only change if Me is affected by something/someone.
Me is Me and I will stay as Me.
Me will listen to me.
Me will not take revenge.
Me doesn't need revenge.
Me has feelings but Me will be able to hide.
Me might give a wrong impression, but that's okay 'cause it's still Me.
It's the me that Me is looking for and Me will search for me.
Me wants me and will look for me.
Me will find me.
Me shall be happy.
Me will live until Me/me dies.

To finally apply for a US Visa, you will have to buy an appointment date from http//nvars.com very nice and fast, it also has functions where it'll automatically fill your form for you. Then there are some other documents that you need to fill in yourself, etc. etc. Appointment at 8:00am. Arrived at 8:15am. They don't care, amazing hop in.

The massive lines start. They have a small hallway that only three normal sized men can fit into. The line gets longer and longer, until it reaches the door. They close the embassy for others. Hopefully, I get in. People struggling, disgusting body odors being smelt. Trying to ignore, I finally get to check my applications with one of the consulars. Oh look, I was missing an envelope.

Getting out of the embassy again, looking for a Staples to buy an envelope. Thinking of my cell-phone, locked in a convenience store due to their no-electronic devices policy. Back to the embassy. Waiting through lines all over again. Get to the same consular: I HAD TO PAY 131$ TO THEIR ACCOUNT. Running to the bank, I realize it's 9:15 - banks are closed until 10am. Looking for a place to wait, I figure Second Cup has the hottest cashier. Buy a hot-chocolate and a muffin. Sit and read Toronto Starts, an article about the Indonesian dictator: Suharto. Finishing my muffin, drinking my hot-chocolate. Walking to the bank, waiting until they open the doors. Being their first costumer, paying the god-damn money. Back to the embassy, skipping the lines this time. Everyone knows me now, "oh your back, go fit right in there". "Oh yea Nima, take those stairs and pass the lines". Finally, re-checking my documents - I'm all ready. New lines, in a new floor. Waiting in lines, talking to the consulars - being put on the waiting list. Taking my finger print. Passing some questions. All of that, and what do I get? --- :

"Nima, here's your passport. We will e-mail you after the administration re-viewed your request. Probably in two weeks, have a nice day at school"

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I don't know what to say. I mean, the whole process of my immigration to Canada was easier than that. I also really didn't like how they treat people at the place. The guards look at you as a freaking terrorist. You can't linger at the door, not even a second - just to take your coat off. The guard even started to bug my mother who was dropping me off at the embassy. What's up with all the hatred? Also, just because they usually don't see "kids" go after their own Visa - it doesn't mean they have to tell me to sit down in the waiting room while my father (the guy in front of me) is handling everything. That one really annoyed the shit out of me.

This is Canada, I can live by my own. Work on my own. Travel on my own. Welcome to Canada. The land of freedom.

I do appreciate the consulars' respect and apologies when they make mistakes. I can't wait to get to the real thing (New York), cause from what I can see.. I don't think I can change my mind about some stuff people say about Americans these days. Enough hating.

Best,

- Nima

Congratulations, because sadly you my readers, even know me better then my own mother. She doesn't ever talk to me unless it benefits herself as in getting her sick pleasures from yelling at me and loving to see me cry. I don't mind not talking to her but its the torture she puts me through that gets to me.

No friends during the week Maggie. Why mom? Its a school night. How is that going to affect school mom? Because Maggie, I am the mother and I don't need a reason.

Isn't that a load of bull shit? I believe unless someone has a good reason for what they do then it should not be done. You may agree or maybe not but that is my personal opinion and I live by it.

People always tell me "Of course Maggie, shes your mother she loves you!" But really I'm sorry to say, she doesn't and I wouldn't mind that if she would leave me alone and not always yell at me. But because the first thing I hear when waking in the morning, and last thing I hear before going to sleep is the loud awful yells and complaints from my mother, I do think life could be better.

I can't stand hearing about how parents don't love their children just because their not who they want them to be.

I'll be who I want to be thanks.

The explanation of the never-to-be-explained part of my life.

My life's been based on logical equations.

Logic. Reasonable judgment. Reasons, facts. They've been my life, since I first understood the fact that:

1+1 = 2:

√-1/1 = √1/-1

i/1 = 1/i.

i / 2 = 1 / (2i),

i/2 + 3/(2i) = 1/(2i) + 3/(2i),

i (i/2 + 3/(2i) ) = i ( 1/(2i) + 3/(2i) ),

(-1)/2 + 3/2 = 1/2 + 3/2,

=> 2 = 1

I've "logicalized" every feeling and sense in life - to myself. I've tried to make sense out of any situation that I've faced.

I want to let go of my mathematical based world for a while. Stop thinking logical. Stop being a machine-based human.

Last words:

01000111 01101111 01101111 01100100 01000010 01111001 01100101 00100000 01001100 01101111 01100111 01101001 01100011 00101110

47 6f 6f 64 42 79 65 20 4c 6f 67 69 63 2e

R29vZEJ5ZSBMb2dpYy4=

71 111 111 100 66 121 101 32 76 111 103 105 99 46

GoodBye Logic.

-Nima

I say them over and over

Please don't tire to hear

Each day my love grows for you more and more

I close my eyes and see your smile

Everyday of my life you've saved

No longer I need to be alone

I've found in you what I've craved

This feeling is unbelievable

No one could ever say these words

And mean them as mush as I mean them

The words wont ever be enough

But I'll be there with you to the end

My anxiety attacks haven't been helping me much lately and it seems things just keep getting worse for us but I can't do anything. I feel so...useless... a sorry excuse for a girlfriend. But theres nothing I can do and complaining about it isn't going to help matters.

I'm out of answers now. Seriously... I want things to go away and get better. But thats not going to happen all in one day... I know I am strong enough to do this. But my will power is slowly fading away...fading to grey...

Well goodnight... this is pointless I should erase it all and not bother you readers with my pittiful cries for attention...not really screw attention I just want help... but whatever...

I always wanted to give out a status about the hosting of my blog and how it's not a real hosting service.
Ahadiel.org and all it's sub-domains are hosted on a home-server in Vancouver.
The server's up time is:

The server is an Ubuntu v7.10 ad I have full-access (root:root) over the machine. The domain, I have no access to:

The web-designer of my blog is a free and open-sourced software called WordPress

I'm using a non-stable copy of it, I update it everyday from their SVN Repos. and experience their new ideas.

Lately, my dear host: Ahadiel has been away. I haven't talked to him for the past month. Some over IRC say that he's addicted to World of Warcraft, again.
But I'd like to think he's away for studying exams.

Best,
- Nima

Please don't ask. Just read along and nod your head and go along with it as if nothing seemed weird to you at the moment.

Hm. I slightly missed being married to you for fun. It was quite..........interesting? Yes, interesting. It actually is what got us talking more often. I'm glad of that. Your quite a unique person to talk to. I like that about you. Never change.

I seem to love not making sense to people. I'm probably not making sense to you let alone other people that might take a peak and see what insane old Maggie has come up with this time. I love my mind and I love my insanity.

Its like a sick pleassure I have to make little to no sense to people. Messing with peoples minds and creating utter confusion. Ah delightful how I love it.

I also like walking through the mall wearing mostly black with heavy eyeliner blasting my MP3 watching as the "older" people around me look at me in disgust. I really don't care what people think so I enjoy this a lot. It actually makes me feel powerful, feared and strong.

Is that normal or should you be thinking of calling a doctor right about now?

With love Maggie.

I find it unbearable to walk into a house not quite but close to perfect with me being well... very imperfect personally. I don't believe anything or anyone can be perfect so the thought of it makes me laugh.

These silly people thinking they can come even close to having everything in perfect order! There is no possible way.

Now one thing I do believe that a person can't be perfect BUT they can be perfect TO someone. A special someone. They can be everything you want, everything you need. That makes them perfect for you.

So maybe I'm not making any good points here nor will you possibly learn anything from reading this. It was on my mind and now its off.

Hm, I wonder if there's any grammatical errors, wouldn't want this post being imperfect!

Well as you all know if you've read my last post, I've been going through some tough times. I have been talking with dear Nima about how I am losing my faith in life, God and relationships. So now I guess I'll go more into detail about all of this.

My faith in God has been shattered these past months. Everything I had is been taken away from me, my life slowly tearing apart. I think to myself why would God put me through this? What did I do wrong? People have always told me things happen in life to test your faith, see if you'll stick with it through the hard times, but lately there's been way to many hard times for me to count. Many nights crying myself to sleep wishing I was somewhere else.

I was telling a very close person the other day how I was starting to find it hard to believe in God with so little evidence but also what if I lost all my faith and in the end suffer for it? They told me this. "It isn't about having enough evidence its about having Faith."

I know they were right but everything has been clouded to me lately. This dreadful fog of sadness and hurt looms over everything in my life. I always seems to be blocking my good judgement and leading me down the wrong paths.

My faith in relationships has also had a rough time. Not just relationships between two people of the opposit sex but also relationships with friends and family and anyone in my life. I lost a friend when I left my dads. As much as the abuse hurt he was still my dad and he was there for me ever since I was a child so to think that this person who is supposed to love me, could cause me physical harm really shocked me.

Friends weren't always really there for me when I needed them especially when I needed someone to lean on the most. It hurt, of course it did. I felt like I was walking this path alone with a broken leg and no one to hold me up. I fell lots of times. Even the adults in my life didn't really help me, my mother doesn't really care and even the school guidence counsilor was never really there unless the principal personally called her down to talk to me. Which was once.

Faith may be a hard thing to keep ahold of in dark situations but in the end it helps you more. I just wish I wouldn't have lost so much of my faith... It might take me a while to get everything back.

Keep the faith people, and please have faith in me.

I have no life. Its not like I want to have no life its the fact my mother keeps me locked in the house that makes me have no life. I've tried going out anyway and she threatens to take my phone and internet away which means not talking to friends or more importantly my boyfriend.

Speaking about my boyfriend, my mother has told my I can only see him once a week, on weekends. He doesn't go to my school so thats the only time I would see him.

So my dad physically abused me all my life and my mother doesn't care about me at all. You could be thinking now, "Oh what a damn emo she is." well sorry I'm not exaggerating, wish I was. But this is the story of my life. I've put up with all this for years and frankly the pressure is now getting to me.

Meh yeah I wish I could die right now. I wont but its still in my head.

Kill me please?

I rest my case.
- Nima

Love,

The previous post was directly to you.

When you asked me who it was for, after telling me about the things that happened.

I figured that it was best for me to keep it a secret a little longer. I didn't want a writing to tell you what I felt. A piece of an internet post is nothing. I wanted to tell you in person.

When you read this, I probably have told you - or I've given you clues..

I love you,

Nima.

Every time I see a glaze of your eyes, your lips, your face.. my heart beats inside me. Pokes me, gets my attention. Let's me know of the truth, that I love you. I love you how Romeo loved Juliet, not how Britney Spears loved her past husbands. Not how Brad Pit fucked Jennifer Aniston over. I love you for real. I love you for the real you.

I love your happiness.

I will never make you cry.

I will hold you for eternity.

I will stand for you, beside you. I will protect you with all my strength.

I will put away your past.

I will love you for who you are, I don't care if you feel like you're dressed bad. 'Cause I love you.

I love you more than the life itself.

I will leave anything to be with you.

I will close my eyes and think of you when I'm alone.

I will never hurt you.

I will be there for you, even if I'm not necessary.

I will love you for the rest of my life.

We're all born for a reason and purpose. Yes, stuff happens and a lot of times it doesn't make you feel the best, but the challenge of getting over devastating times only makes us stronger in the long run.

Some people don't feel they have a reason to live, like we're all going to die anyway what does it matter if I die before my time. Well I tell you, because we all have a purpose if you die before your time you probably haven't finished what you were ment to do.

I admit, I've thought about suicide myself, a lot of people do, but I realised that its just not the answer to problems. It only creats more for our friends, family, anybody that cares about us.

Suicide just isn't the way to solve problems. It only causes more.

Everyone has intelligence to a certain point, just some people aren't smart enough to use the knowledge they have. Yes there is a difference from being intelligent and being smart. Being intelligent is knowing the information and being able to use it but in some cases your not always smart enough to use it.

Exp. I am very intelligent. My marks and comments from teachers prove that, but I'm not always smart enough to use the knowledge I learn. For instance I don't always do my homework even though I know I intelligent enough to do it with no problem I just usually don't want to. Which isn't a very smart thing.

Anyway to me everyone is intelligent, the question is are you smart?

Personally I wear skinny jeans, and a shirt that I just randomly grab out of my closet, and occasionally wear bandanas around my neck. Its the way I perfer to dress. You go into a store, see something you like and buy it. That's how it should be. Dressing the way you want, not how your told to or how you believe you "have" to because of these stupid genres.

I once argued this point with a person that related humans to music. They said people are like music, music needs genres so do people. Well for one thing, music doesn't have feelings, you can't hurt music and its not a physical thing. Humans however DO have feelings, can be hurt and are physical beings.

You can't know what a persons like from just looking at them. Personalities are complex and every single individual is different. So placing people in these "groups" doesn't make them all the same. Every person is different even if they have a similar taste in clothing.
Also calling people posers just makes you look stupid. It seems today no matter what you wear people will still call you a poser. What do they want? For all of us to walk around naked? To me clothing is just a piece of fabric that covers you.

I don't think labels are needed. Dress the way you want, is all I have to say.

I personaly don't believe there is the same "standards" for every person. It depends on the individual. But none the less, I believe we all can reach 100%.

I don't think its about passing or failing in things we are ment or required to do, but reather also things we are inspired to do for our own satisfaction. A hobbie perhaps.

Everyone sees greatness at a different level, or have certain ideas they see as reaching greatness. But truely no one can tell another person that they have not reached their highest point since the bar is set at different heights for different people.

Maybe a person can't be "the greatest" but it doesn't mean they can't achieve their greatness. It's all about being the best you as an individual can be because not every person is the same, including abilities or same amount of intelligence.

I don't have a catchy ending nor is it fancy with a lot of "smart" words. All I have to say is I hope my point came across clearly.

So because of things going on at the present in my life, today I finaly snapped.

A person who has annoyed me for quite some time now finaly crossed the line today when I arived in my D block class. So what did I do? Smacked him clear across the left side of his face.

But frankly I believe he had it coming, from me or from someone else, he definitly deserved it. Who wouldn't get frustraited by a 15 year old boy acting like, well, a child!

I do admit though, I didn't quite know my own strength, for this 6'4 football player now has a black eye. But really if the teachers aren't going to do anything about these... immature adolescents, so who will?

I've warned him before, but none the less i have received a 5 day suspension. If thats what it takes to get people to grow up, so be it!

It's high school now, can we please be able to learn and do our work? I don't go to baby sit people the teacher pairs me up with for a project.

Anyways, enough of my rambling. My greatest apologies to my fellow students eye, but I have no sympathy for your immature acts.

because of this, well way i think a lot of my thoughts get mixed together and I end up making complete sense to myself, yet giberish to those around me who i happen to be talking to.

A lot of times people call me crazy for thoughts I contruck in my head. Crazy? Possibly. But its probably the reason why most of my ideas work.

I'm able to see the other side of things that most people wouldn't, so I'm the one that truely understands it more. Therefore, I am the one with the ideas.

I say if having a "machine" for a brain, in other words as most people put it, a bit of craziness means coming up with logical ideas, why not! I'll gladly take anyone calling me crazy, insane, or as my french family likes to say "folle", as a compliment.

Thank you.

It's the new year, tomorrow is the first day of school. Looking for a way to start it up with a big change. Not in the looks, but in mental passion. A new way of looking at life. A change. Just like every single year of my life.

Welcome, to the new me.

the cameras and hidden from the poublic. My home country, what I live to serve.

As you know I'm Iranian. My home town is Tehran, the capital city of Iran. It is known as one of the most populated cities in the world with over 14 million people over night and around 16 million people over day time (These are old Stats.). Before you read this post, you might as well want to put away every thought you have had of Iran and of it's people. If you know me well and talk to me often, you probably haven't found me talking about my home country. Amongst my non-Canadian friends in Canada, talking about their home country and how great it is for them, how they can't wait to go back - is a common subject. I think it's time for me, to do the same.

I am neither a pothead or a crack-head, if you've been wondering, no chemical addiction , no natural addiction. I'm addicted to life.

Life. Every feeling, every moment. Whether sad, inspirational, passionate, lovely, likely, gay, nice, good, bad, happy, sorrow -- Any moment of it. Can be sweet. You can miss everything. Every single second, mili-second , deci-second, mirco-second, nano-pico-femto-atto-zepto-yocto-second. They're all miss able. Yes it's true, you can run away from some feelings. The feelings you usually don't have the desire for, mostly the sadness - the sorrow. Yet, nothing is perfect. You would have to face everything, be strong or loose. You see, I've had mostly every feeling in existence (except death of course), but yet I have the passion to experience again.

" No". Saying No to yourself, to the people around you isn't such a hard thing. Everything starts with not saying "No". You can always say "Yes" later but there's only one single chance you get, only one to reject. It needs discipline, which some of us find hard to manage. Perfection -- if it ever existed, it's a good thing to master.

Just one last thought: Emptiness

Here goes nothing.

Status message: Count to infinity (From Alex S., A.K.A. MarlboroXIII)
Nima ... says: (1:38:19 AM)

I'm still counting

MarlboroXIII says: (1:38:44 AM)

keep on till the numbers end
believe me...... thats a lot of fun
plus you got a lot of time

Nima ... says: (1:38:54 AM)

working on it
not really

MarlboroXIII says: (1:39:06 AM)

infinity is not enough?

Nima ... says: (1:39:07 AM)

but im cutting off sleep

MarlboroXIII says: (1:39:19 AM)

smart thing to do

Nima ... says: (1:39:26 AM)

infinity should be just about enough

MarlboroXIII says: (1:39:34 AM)

yep
the real question is
what brings you here now?

Nima ... says: (1:39:53 AM)

the answer
is what I'm looking for

MarlboroXIII says: (1:40:06 AM)

state your question then

Nima ... says: (1:40:07 AM)

Nothing, I guess I just lost the track of time.

MarlboroXIII says: (1:40:32 AM)

that happens when you count.
happened to me once
now im just spinning the infinity
how cool is that?

Nima ... says: (1:40:55 AM)

hm
should I give you a ratio
or percentage?

MarlboroXIII says: (1:41:19 AM)

that was a retorical question
however
on a scale from 1 to 13
13 being the crayziest person you ever met.
what would you give me?

Nima ... says: (1:42:07 AM)

hm
11.

MarlboroXIII says: (1:42:10 AM)

p.s. craziness has nothing to do with IQ and all that stuff

Nima ... says: (1:42:16 AM)

yes, 11.

MarlboroXIII says: (1:42:35 AM)

11 good enough for me considering the fact that normal scale usualy goes up to 10 only
i bit 'em all
again

Nima ... says: (1:42:54 AM)

well I was considering it was out of 13 douchebag :p
but hey
you're crazy enough.

MarlboroXIII says: (1:43:21 AM)

like I dont know
being crazy doesnt make you special.
it jsut makes you crazy
thats all
but again
what brings you here?
cuz you dont usualy start talking to me at 1 45 am
unless
1. ur drunk
2. u got sth to say
which one is that tonight?

Nima ... says: (1:44:17 AM)

Change
meaning,
none.

MarlboroXIII says: (1:44:41 AM)

three dots after your name tell me that you're a bit screwed now

MarlboroXIII says: (1:44:44 AM)

with whatever it is

Nima ... says: (1:45:06 AM)

well
I don't really know
I just feel empty
need some massive change again
good that the new year's coming,
hopefully I shall change.

MarlboroXIII says: (1:45:44 AM)

good Lord you're a junky as well
just like me
just a bit better
change addict

Nima ... says: (1:46:05 AM)

indeed.

MarlboroXIII says: (1:46:10 AM)

sweet
well gotta tell you - u need to reboot ur system
fastest way - get wasted
to the point of....... hm.......... not being able to focus your sight on one object
not more
helped me last time

Nima ... says: (1:46:58 AM)

well
believe me or not
I don't need to get wasted for this

MarlboroXIII says: (1:47:32 AM)

fine then just wait till the summer comes

Nima ... says: (1:47:45 AM)

Why would I need summer

MarlboroXIII says: (1:47:59 AM)

all ppl feel empty now

Nima ... says: (1:48:10 AM)

these days?

MarlboroXIII says: (1:48:34 AM)

except the ones that have been feeling this for the entire life, and were just hiding behind their stupidity and lack of imagination
these days, these weeks.
my prognosis is - we all will start feeling better at the end of january
we all will feel good by the summer

Nima ... says: (1:49:28 AM)

ok I admit
I do like running naked in streets,
drunk and wasted
I love making out under the rain
while it's warm outside, not freezing cold.
But that doesn't make Winter any worse.

MarlboroXIII says: (1:50:31 AM)

see? am i right or am I... hm... right?
Winter sucks in many ways anyway
first - naked running
second - making out under the rain
third -girls dont wear skirts
fourth - its too fucking cold
etc.

Nima ... says: (1:51:40 AM)

point taken
Can we get to a conclusion?

MarlboroXIII says: (1:52:59 AM)

life feels like shit. consider the fact that most of the times it is shit. consider the fact that its shit all the time, except short periods of time.
life feels like shit now - because of the atmosphere.
cuz of the air and cuz of all the ppl out there.
can do nothing about it.
so feeling empty - is a fucking "have to" thing to do now.

Nima ... says: (1:54:02 AM)

I disagree.
Why can't you look at the other side

MarlboroXIII says: (1:54:12 AM)

with "life is shit" thing i assume

Nima ... says: (1:54:13 AM)

look at those tiny moments
those "perfect" moments

MarlboroXIII says: (1:54:35 AM)

point taken
now lemme ask you

Nima ... says: (1:54:42 AM)

it's the matter of how you look at it.

MarlboroXIII says: (1:54:48 AM)

do you find a drop of rain beaufitul?

Nima ... says: (1:54:54 AM)

totally.
yet
I ignore it

MarlboroXIII says: (1:55:03 AM)

can you say that its perfect?

Nima ... says: (1:55:14 AM)

There's a possibility, yes.

MarlboroXIII says: (1:55:47 AM)

now. imagine a pool fool of water. water is steady.
its also a bit dirty
then drop that lil drop of perfection in it
what do you see?
lemme give you a hand with that one. almost nothing

Nima ... says: (1:56:39 AM)

go on

MarlboroXIII says: (1:56:43 AM)

one drop of rain doesnt change the conditino of the pool
now you just said it.
that you igrone it
pool - your life. drop of rain - one perfect moment of it.
see what I mean?

Nima ... says: (1:57:24 AM)

yes
Solution?
Death isn't one.

MarlboroXIII says: (1:58:18 AM)

remove the roof above the pool. at least make some holes in it using a shotgun or something as cool.
and then just wait for the rain
death has never been
drainin the pool doesnt make things better neither for the person who's pool is that, nor for the ppl who swim in it

Nima ... says: (1:59:28 AM)

It's the same theory I had
but looks better
The question remains
is it possible?

MarlboroXIII says: (2:00:32 AM)

remove the roof? get yourself a shotgun? why not? if want it bad enough - everything is possible

Nima ... says: (2:01:05 AM)

*nods*.

MarlboroXIII says: (2:01:56 AM)

hm....... funny thing is i just understood it. metaphors rock the world.

Nima ... says: (2:02:24 AM)

Re-Read Romeo and Juliet, just in case.

MarlboroXIII says: (2:02:42 AM)

its a sad story with stupid parents in it.
stupidity is not excuse for anything
they sucked at being parents
they paid the price for that

Nima ... says: (2:03:21 AM)

Haven't finished it yet.
Don't continue.

MarlboroXIII says: (2:04:57 AM)

why would I when William our Sh....forgot-how-to-spell-his-last-name revieled the ending of the story at the very begining of the play
?

Nima ... says: (2:05:22 AM)

Obviously we all know they die,
how and when is the question.
How fucked up the situation will be is what I'm looking for
it's interesting how you want to know more although you know everything.

MarlboroXIII says: (2:06:30 AM)

then you'll enjoy it. makes you feel less miserable and more smart
made me hate a lot of ppl

Nima ... says: (2:07:14 AM)

Noticeable.
i've worked hard on it
I can see that.

MarlboroXIII says: (2:08:13 AM)

I've worked hard on that one too lol
nah. i didnt.
not the second one.

Nima ... says: (2:08:40 AM)

Agreed

MarlboroXIII says: (2:09:41 AM)

i got one question you might know the answer to
how's Dora?

Nima ... says: (2:10:30 AM)

I'd rather skip.

But she's having crisis .
I give her hugs, as long as they make her happy.

MarlboroXIII says: (2:11:09 AM)

good. do they make u happy?

Nima ... says: (2:11:28 AM)

Make me feel pathetic

MarlboroXIII says: (2:11:35 AM)

even better.
means ur still alive.

Nima ... says: (2:11:39 AM)

But just that, gives me a smile on the face.

Nima ... says: (2:11:45 AM)

Exactly.

MarlboroXIII says: (2:12:03 AM)

well aight. its time to grow up.

i mean her obviously.

Nima ... says: (2:13:49 AM)

no coments
comments*

MarlboroXIII says: (2:14:05 AM)

didnt expect any

Nima ... says: (2:14:06 AM)

Don't really wanna talk about it

MarlboroXIII says: (2:14:14 AM)

neither do i.
just one question
second to last

Nima ... says: (2:14:26 AM)

ok*

MarlboroXIII says: (2:15:16 AM)

and so it ends. gotta go think abt some shit. im off

Ever thought how disturbing it might be to feel empty and be addicted to the opposite? Welcome to my life.

Thinking outside the box is still my best solution.

that humans are mortal. But it's the truth, we're all mortal. There's no such thing as immortal. Not in real world.

"So what? I'm gonna end up dead anyways.."

I think we've heard that from a lot of people. Even in the moves, though - always from the bad guys in the movie.

In the new generation, apparently - if you think that your life is worth something more than drugs and alcohol, you're scared to feel. Ok let's be honest, people are scared to try drugs, or some of them are even scared of drinking alcohol. The main reason's that their parents told them that it's a bad thing. I don't really wanna get into this because the fight about which drug is good and which isn't has been going on for years now.

We are mortal. We have a life-span, it has a maximum limit which we are the ones who decide to change...

You wanna die now? Pull the trigger.

Maybe you wanna live a bit longer, or maybe you wanna try your chances and live as long as you could. Who's there to assign your life-span. You see, I don't believe in fate, as far as my beliefs tell me, I build my own destiny. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you're the one who's going to make the choices - build the way.

So if you wanna cry about mortality and how you're gonna die sooner or later anyways, take the time and look around - no one will change by whatever you say. Because we are who decide what to do with out lives.

- Nima

I'll be explaining to you, why and how insane I am. Insanity is just a path to love.

Yet again I give you my emo alarm, that you can go and have sexual intercourse with yourself if you think I'm emo in anyway. I might be soft a bit and express my feelings on an Internet blog -- But in real life, I'm just another normal-looking guy.

Recently I've been watching, some friends of mine on FaceBook. How they change their status and let us all know how they love their boyfriend/girlfriend. Yet again, it's maybe me who doesn't understand the teenage love or it might be because I've never had that "oh baby, I love you" love in my life. Because I never felt it with anyone in any of my relationships ( no offense to anyone, it's the truth). I personally don't think you have to be physically in love because that's what a lot of our friends think they're in love just because they physically feel it.

There's a certain way a man stares at the woman who he loves, the man looks like a boy on his birthday. He treats the women as if she were a gift, he's waited so long to open and he can't wait to see what the treasure is inside. (pretty hot and sexually questionable, but true)

I've never felt that about any girl that I've gone out with (or slept with) in my whole life. You see, from the point of view which I have of my friends who are apparently in "love", makes them think, believe or know that: I'm insane.

That's right. I'm insane. I don't wanna lie, because it'll confuse me more. I'm really happy that I ended up writing this right now, that I'm single. This way of thinking is a ticket to a break-up, or even to breaking someone's heart. You don't have to think of me as an idiot, just look at me as someone who's looking.

To clear up some confusions here. I'm not saying that I never liked going out with anyone, or trying to be with anyone. I'm just saying that I never loved it. That word gets thrown around a lot lately and I just can't take it anymore, I've been told that someone loves me (from themselves) and I have said it back to them, but now that I look at it I see it as a momentary thing which was caused by my hormones. I can gladly say that I'm not in love, and won't be in love anytime soon. Unless, a miracle happens and I find someone who I really love.

I get that this might cause a lot of problems for me going out with anyone that I ever had the chance to, but fuck it. It's the truth and I just don't care.

Kill me now.

- Nima

thoughts - but then realized that they're my thoughts, but they've never been put together.

Nonsense is the main topic of my blog. You really can't find any pattern in my writings. From what I see myself, I've talked about anything that popped out of my mind. Took the time, wrote it down.

When I wrote the description, I wasn't thinking at all. However, I was completely sober. Now I realize, it's a description of my self. Of the stuff that I've been through, willing to go through.

N - Nonsense

I'm not sure how to put this into words, but the new world that we've been living in is full of my N[onsense] word.

When it comes to the meaning of life, I don't get a meaningful expression from anyone. Except from some of friends, they know who they are.

So this goes to everyone else:

Find a meaning in life,

make your life meaningful.

As without meaning,

you'll have no feeling.

Know what is defined as Sense and believe in what that is Nonsense.

This might sound really emo to you,.. if you think so you can go and have sexual intercourse with yourself.

Thank you, and goodbye.

- Nima

The Unique Warrior, also known as TUW.

Now you see, my nick name never had any relation with my real name, Nima. But my new one, Nimo does.. the funny thing is that people keep calling me in real life, without knowing it's actually my nickname!

Well I tell you this, I'm not planing on changing my nickname. I had some attempts to change my nick to "Mr.Eror"(with 1 'r', yes) but I never felt that it was me since I've had the nickname for a long time.

Yet again, I am known as Nimo on IRC. It's been a month (or two) and people seem to like it as much as I'm having fun making "Finding Nemo" jokes out of it.

Recently, I'm being called Nimo, in real life. I have friends who know my by that name and nothing else. It kind freaked me out, so I thought I'd post an entry here about it

-Nimo

Whenever I heard my friends telling me how they have had a teacher who influenced them in a good way, I laughed at them.

But recently, after our midterms we were given a Novel to read and fill in logs/responds. Well, we had about two weeks to finish the task: Independent Novel Study.

The minimum page limit was 200. So I thought, "hey, if I get a 400 page book and finish it good, I'll get marks right?" And I did. But now, I'm disappointed.

I forgot that I wouldn't be able to finish it on the last night at the last hours of the day.

The day after, my teacher gave me a long lecture on discipline. About how weak you can end up in life without it. How I should be doing my work.

It slapped my day off. But she was right, and she is right. I'll never forget the conversation I had with her. Even though I failed again at finishing the book during the long weekend, because I didn't use my time right.. I will remember her.

Thank you, my English teacher. Grade 11, Forest-Hill Collegiate Institute.

- Nima

I'm thinking of using Joomla!. It's an an Open Source Content Management System.

It'll take some time to convert everything from their shitty pages to Joomla!, it means a re-write of every thing posted on their site.

Link to my School's site: http://fhci.net

So, to be filled.

So it begins..

I won't be pasting logs or anything to show any proof of what had happened or any conversations I've had with anyone, as I believe you all trust[ed] me.

I don't hate kando. I never wanted to "fuck him over", and I'm not happy with the delinking. No. I'm happy I'm delinekd, not that I'm hating on VortexIRC now .. but I'm not happy of how one of my best friends thinks I'm a goddamn ass.

When I joined IDN, I never complained about what kando did. I always had an eye on botnets at the starts to prevent any attacks to anyone but other than that, I was getting along really well.

I've been with IDN, what for about 6 months? Yeah delinking after that long period of time is interesting. So let me give you an idea of the reasons.

When I saw birdman being able to do all that stuff, including his "MOTHERLAND" stories with TechnoMike and his other friends. Being able to make channels and mass kick people from our main channel ("#ot") just annoyed me. I just couldn't do anything about it, yes.. we had no rules.

I'm not sure why I never complained about it. Although, we had attempts to put some rules on our MOTDs , but no one cared. After I accidentally gave birdman his Oper back - I felt like kando wasn't with us anymore. He was missing out of IDN. For some reason which is still unknown to me, I didn't feel like a part of IDN anymore. A lot of shit happened that I had no idea about. Matt became a NetAdmin and I had to hear it from him. I mean come on... addig an Admin to a Network has to be done while all the other NetAdmins know of it.

Despite the fact that I was a bit confused that if I still was a part of IDN, I was getting sick and tired of all of the humiliation crap. I was exhausted of being a NetAdmin of a Network which goes to another IRC to talk shit against Seph and paste the result on my main channel of how he won the conversation .. yeah good luck buddy. I was tired of my opers spamming other IRCds (Also Known As Trolling).

But I still blame myself. I could of at least give a try on fixing those. It's obvious that they're fixable, by just looking at it.

But it all happened on a bad day. I had a lot of conflicts in my real life.. if you ask birdman of how I suddenly accepted his link, you'll know. It was messed up, but I'm not regretting - I'm just learning from the past (Thanks Shawna ). Although I had a week on deciding, I never took the time of thinking about it.

I wanna clear this up once and for all.

1. I never knew Birdman was planing this.
2. Serideth and I decided to link together, it was just a matter of time - which I ended up linking faster. (I'm a fast configure-er)
3. I still love IDN with all it's users (though most of them are mine too)
4. I'm looking for keeping my relations with kando, he's one of the best friends I've had on IRC.

I want to talk about Matt and his "hackage" of my site, IDC. If you think it's called hacking, then your wrong. All you did was remembering your password on the Joomla back-end. Good job, I removed the site after 5 minutes - it was outdated anyways. Be more mature next time.

It was my fault, it is my fault and it always be. I'm not happy for not being strong enough to give kando notice before delinking. I'm not happy how I made some people thinking of going away and quitting IRC for good. But I'm happy that I'm not regretting.

Call me whatever you want, G-line me from your server if you want to. But here I stand before you, telling you that it wasn't my fault all the time.

Thanks, it's short but it's the best I can give.

- Nima

Also read what others have to say about this:

• Birdman
• Vanessa (response)
  

I did use your writing as a feedback. But the words all came out deeply within me. But you got something wrong. I never disagreed on your piece. I just opened up a new whole idea of thinking to you.

"I tend to pass this idea to everyone, mostly to everyone I meet." I chose you this time. Happens only once. It's your choice to believe in it or just walk over it and never look back.

So I get it, you want me to try more now?

I've enjoyed reading your post, as always. But I just couldn't keep my words, ideas and thoughts of it hidden within me.

You are right, I can't deny any of the facts in your writing. But it's the point of view that I'm gonna talk about. How you look at any situation in life.

It's how it looks. But have you ever thought of how you can look at it? I'm talking about your own view of your moments,

your feelings. When you laugh, when you cry. When your sad, happy, drunk, high, frustrated, ill, excited or any other.

I know people who get beat up by their parents, but still have a happy day everyday. You know why? Because they chose to. They ignore the pain, the sorrow. They let it go a second after it happened. They change their lives and frame it to how they want it to look like. The best they could have at the moment.

While I'm squiring a few tears, I'd like you to know how my grandpa died in front of me. Just after I arrived to his room. Just after he cried out of joy, just for seeing me. For the last time. At the last moment. He never had to do anything else to make history for me. I'm gonna let everyone know of it. Of how great he was. Even though he never did anything special in his life. I don't quiet agree with you here. You don't have to have millions of dolors to be able to support your children, all you need is a little courage to face your own future and help them face theirs. How ever it is and how ever it'll be formed.

We've got three types of humans. If you haven't noticed:

1. People who are stock in the past.
2. People who are with the present but not looking at the future..
3. People who look at the future.

Which one are you? I'd probably be 2.5. You can change everything. You just need to know how and when to do it. Looking at the present, having your fun, screwing around but always having a glaze at the future. Knowing where you are in life is good. Being lost has another feeling. You don't wanna experience that one, believe me I have.

I don't believe in rules. I have to respect them because I have to. I wouldn't of being able to write this here if I'd said no to rules. But I believe in inner rules. Rules which are set by you and for you only. Why can't I form myself into something I want? It can be dangerous, but with a little carefulness and watch. It's amazing. Look into that sometime. I tend to pass this idea to everyone, mostly to everyone I meet.

Talking about perfection. Defining as completeness and flawlessness. Prefect's just a word and nothing else. Look at it this way, there will be moments in your life which you can easily call and refer to them as perfect. It's not there all the time, but you've had it. Isn't it nice to remember those times and laugh at them or even cry at them cause you don't have them at the moment? You can make your day perfect with nothing but memories. Yet again, I'm on the same bout. It's about how you think of it. Indeed, perfect is an understatement.

I don't know what to call it but it's in our DNA. It's how human beings live. Like you said so. It's in our blood. If it wasn't,

there wouldn't be a WorldWideWeb or Internet. No more PHP. No more codes. No more computers. None. Nothing would of been this great. Now we want them better. It's a possibility.

Now wait a minute. Was this all about looks? Is the awesomeness of the Barbie girl is all in her looks? I don't think so.

Damn. Again I get to my own point. It's all about how you look at it. Not anyone else. This writing wouldn't matter. It's a piece of shit filled with words, came in together. But isn't it amazing how words can change you? Words took God away from me. Maybe the similar happened to you, who knows. Yes, yes. I did believe in God. Not because my parents did. They're both atheists, I chose my own way of living. Then after some more re-search and growing up, I felt different. My point is that it's you who can change the way. You can get help, just like I did. You can let others choose your way too, just like most of those... idiots. Maybe you'll end up making up a whole new terminology of a Barbie girl. Just like me. One day, there will be only one route for human being. One to be taken. I pretty much am scared of that day, but science tells me it's true. That day's the day of peace. Yet my question remains, will we survive with peace after all? I'm not really sure.

Everything has a reason. The fact that humans are separated has a reason. There's a reason why I'm subscribed to your blog, too. I knew you'd post again when you felt you had to. So here I am.

Do you believe it now? I'm still into you.

The past month of my life has been terribly un-planned. Not organized. Waking up in the morning and having no flying idea of what you're gonna do for the next 24 hours of the day. Not even school, I never did any assignments or made any plans to do them. It was pretty bad if you ask me. When I woke up yesterday and tried to get outta bed and stand. I fell down because of last night's party.. the shit was still inside me. You know how it hurts when you still get that after it. I'm not gonna tell you what I did, but if you know me well enough.. you get it. It's when you say "fuck it" this is the last time.

Deciding to quit , deciding to end it and stop it. Start over, you know. I know friends who threw their shit outta the window and wanted to quit... but after 10 minutes they were out of the house looking for it. It's awful. The attraction, the addiction. Makes you think, "what was I thinking?". Not gonna even comment on it anymore. I'm done with this shit. No more drinking. No more smoking. No more blazing. It's all done. If you see my at a party drinking, smack me in the head.

This wasn't supposed to get into this post. But hey, it's life right? I had to empty myself. I tried to call a friend of mine yesterday after that shit happened. Operantly, she was too lazy to pick up. Well fuck that, I have my blog to fill my shit into it. Not sure what she's gonna do after she reads this.

Softness. I hate to be called soft. But to be honest, I'm one of the softest boys you could find these days. It's because of the people I'm with. I was never this hard-soft that I am. Never been so emotional. Now that I am, I seem to like it and quit being that pathetic prick. Let the feelings out. You get what I mean.

Now I'm pretty confused of what I'm actualy trying to say with this post. It's getting late and I'm getting more tired every second. Hating the situation I am. Knowing how I'm gonna regret starting this shit again.. I've stopped it once. I can do it again, big deal. But the mental part is hard to handle. Honestly , I hate the feeling .. when you wanna do it over and over again. Just like before. But hey, everything is gonna change again. These stuff shouldn't be a big problem in your life.. take over them.

All I need is my friends close to me. That'd be the only help someone needs when quitting. I did quit a while back. But I've been "cheating" for a while. So that should stop soon. Hopefully.

Thank you,

~Nima

Why I sat here and take the time to write again? It's 'cause of this weird feeling I've been having the past months about my life.

Each time something bad happens to me , family wise.

The thought of it, just a glaze of the idea, the thought of changing the road of my life. Leaving my parents -- rushes through my mind. Then for a second, I become proud of myself,

"wow , you've grown up.."; "your man enough to go away". Pure.

Now that I think of it, I feel how immature a 16 year old like me can be. I know friends who decided to take their own apartment after they turned 18, or even asked their parents to get an apartment for them, just to leave them as soon as they could. NO offense , but if it wasn't for our parents, we wouldn't even exist to fight with them, to argue about our on going life. It's not like I don't have arguments with them, I've done a lot of things that I'm not proud of. I've shouted at both of my parents more than one occasions. Yet, sometimes I feel happy about it.

I know for a fact that my parents will read this, as they know the address and I've seen them checking it myself, but let them know the truth. I respectfully, look at them as people who don't understand my current situation. With all their experience, the journeys they've had in life. The mistakes. The achievements. Non of them can truly help a teenager like me. Whatever they say or tell me not to do, I try it. I know for a fact that my friends do the same. Everything we're blocked or told not to do gives us the passion to do it faster and worst of it's kind.

The tend of breaking the rule is hidden in our minds and can't be changed. You can see examples if you walk in a dark looking park at 1am in the morning, watching people smoking an illegal drug or drinking underage. Racing in streets. Killing people. Running naked in streets. Etc. Etc.

What I'm trying to say is that, directly to myself and my parents at the same time is: Give it a try. Give it a chance. Test it, feel it, take the risk.

~Nima

The first time I drank alcohol , with my father, was when I was 14. It wasn't my first time, when I was 13, once I ended up sleeping after drinking a can of beer, instead of a CokaCola. I wasn't paying attention , just grabbed it and drank half of it in instant. Made me go to sleep after 5 mins.

Yeah well, the first time I got 'drunk' and couldn't actually control myself, of what I was doing.. was 2005 , summer. At my own very good-bye party, my family was there too - so now, I'm embarrassed of what I've done.. "what was I thinking!?". Heh, well I still call it a good memory as it was my first time, I danced so hard my feet hurt for two days after the party.

Yep, you read it right, my good-bye party. Lemme give you an idea of my past. I'm Irainian, as in, I was born in IRAN. The country that every paper these days has something to say about. It's making me crazy, even now that I'm not living there anymore. We moved to Canada because of what my parents called, "for the greater good". Yeah, I'm not copying that from the new Harry Potter book. The sentence gives the exact meaning in English. Yeah, we settled in Canada and this is my second year living here. Toronto was the city my father chose. 'Cause of the "good business".

As I was saying, when I first came here (Canada), I wasn't really into the whole Internet. I was just a user who played his games Online and had a few e-mails going around. Of course I was good with Windows at times, well, I thought I was. When I got my cable connection everything changed. You see, I only had a shitty D.S.L at IRAN, which still took a long time to load the pages. When I got my high-speed Internet, I found a new world .. the PSP community. I was a QJ forum user for a month, had more than a 1000 posts and some programs released already ( as I started learning programming, I had a little knowledge of VB). Then I found IRC, Internet Relay Chat. A protocol for chatting, an old one which not a lot of people use, but hackers and crackers. Basically, people who are into Internet and know what's going on back-stage. I didn't have an intention on joining them, but after a week of chatting, I couldn't stop myself from coming back from school and opening my new bought Mac to talk to other Mac users and get the newest cracks and interesting stuff about it.

Here I am, owning an IRC Server myself, trying to use my time as best as I can. But there's still a problem... instead of writing this article , I could of done my English homework and skipped going to detention for it. Oh well, I just couldn't resist

I'm legally 16. I've explained this to you before eh?

My father got my id 13 days before I was actually born, so I'm 13 days older than what I am for real

I take the time to explain that to everyone who asks , so before you ask , read.

Tomorrow, Oct. 4 I'm becoming 16 years old. I was born in 1991 at 2 Am, I know that.... weird.

I'm planing to throw a party soon .... you're invited if you've talked to me more than 5 mins in real life ... REAL LIFE. Not Internet.

Truly Yours,

~Nima

-^_^-

PUT

A

REGISTRATION

BUTTON.

That was pretty much it, as no one can comment on any of your posts. I'm not sure if you've ever tried to actually comment there when you're NOT logged in....

Fix that shit Michael && keep up the good work

~Nima

I'm legally 16, meaning that if I go to a shop and I show them my ID, they'll think I'm 16. But the point is, that when my father got my birth-certificate, he 'accidentally' gave the birth date/month wrong. So, as of this day , 30th Sep. I'm still 15 until 4 Oct. , my real birthday.

About my Background,

I'm Persian. Yes, an Iranian. I've lived abrout fourteen years of my life in IRAN. Now, we (family) decided to move to Canada. So my current living location is Toronto , Canada.

Status?

Grade 11th High School boy, who does his homework. Gets ready for a weekend night, party's his ass off.

Relation-Ship status?

I wouldn't talk about this too much, but as I'm in the mood of it: Forget about the past, in IRAN, I mean. From when I've came to Canada, I've had two girlfriends, both relation-ships didn't last longer than a week or two. I was the one breaking up on the first one.

Right now?

This is a Sunday, I've done some stuff that I'm not really sure about on Saturday night. So I'll be having some conflicts for the next days, if you know what I mean.

Truly Yours,

Nima.